I’ve been trying to write an update post for two weeks now!
The first one I wrote was very bleak and I’ve not published it. Decided it was for my eyes only.
The second one was a bit more up beat but didn’t. feel ‘right’ so I deleted it.
So here I am again.
A friend – a fantastic good friend – just sent me a link to a video about menopause rage. Apart from it being a man – sorry but that triggers me – it was an insightful video.
Right at the end he says this
“Less of a breakdown and more of a reset.”
And that struck a chord with me.
I’ve been thinking I’m having a breakdown. Wondering ‘what’s wrong with me’ and ‘how do I get better’.
But it just takes time.
Day in, day out I do the things that help me. They are writing, walking, exercising, being in nature, meeting friends, reading, jigsaws and my favourite – something fun. 🤩
It’s called self care and it’s what I need to reset.
I find it hard to know when it’s time to immerse myself back into normal life though. Yes this all feels fine but then I’m avoiding the one thing that caused my reset. My work.
And to truly get better, I know I have to face it and get back working. This is always harder to think about than it is doing. I’ve been here before and I know the longer I leave it the worse it feels.
So I’m telling myself this
My reset is done. Prepare yourself for normal life. And let’s try again.
I’m going to real honest about this as I need to be. If you don’t like honesty or you want to report me to HR, scroll on, this isn’t for you.
Depression has returned to my every day life and it’s hard work.
I’ve worked through it for as long as I can but taking a week off at Easter has made me realise how unwell I am.
I spent most of my week off feeling sad, disappointed or down. At my best I felt apathetic and slept more than normal. I cried. A lot. I also talked a lot to friends and family how I was feeling.
At first I put on my mask, went outside in the world and fitted in as best as I could. This was exhausting and I’ve been oversleeping ever since.
And now I’m shattered. I have to get better. This mask doesn’t fit me anymore.
So I’ve taken the difficult (and believe me it was) decision to be off work so I can get better in the safety of my own world.
This allows me to the space and time to do what I know I need to do. It isn’t easy though and I’m currently wondering if I’ve made the right decision.
I’m sorry to anyone from work who feels let down by me. I’m sorry you feel that way but not sorry I made this decision.
I’m sorry to friends who I may say no to meeting up with. Keep asking me. One day I’ll say yes.
This is the ultimate self care. Not a bath. Or a trip to the pub. But looking out for ourselves and knowing when to stop and put our own health and needs first.
And I’m doing this for me. But ultimately for my family who need me well again.
I’m so glad to be writing that as my last surgery had complications and went from a quick procedure to an emergency hysterectomy and a damaged bladder.
So thankful to say surgery went well and to plan.
My surgeon was a woman and I warmed to her. I think that helped my calmness. Even walking into theatre I felt calm and an overwhelming sense that everything was going to be okay.
Even when the student doctor put my cannula in wrong and my hand started swelling, I was calm. It was fine in the other hand!
I love how you go from chatting one minute to the next waking up in recovery. Where did those 2 hours go?
I kept asking ‘did it go okay?’ Thankfully I had the kindest of nurses who was very patient with me. She reassured me I was fine but needed to get my pain under control. I said how can you tell I’m in pain and she said ‘you stop talking’. Already she knew me!! 😂
I spent two hours in recovery whilst they sorted that out. First dose of morphine close. Second dose closer. Ah Tramadol my friend, that’ll do.
Back on the ward I suddenly felt fine. I went to the toilet. I ate a sandwich and then a jelly. I drank a lot of water. Most of my fellow patients were sleepy and I was dozy but really wanted to get discharged and home to my bed.
So I did. Got picked up by the family and sat up for a few hours to chat to them. Then went to bed at 8pm and literally couldn’t sleep. Gave up several times to chat or message on my phone.
Eventually fell asleep about 1am and had restless sleep. My brain was on overload. Since worked out I was probably high from all the strong drugs earlier in the day.
Today I’ve had some pain and discomfort but nothing my meds can’t handle. First 48 hours are the worse so I’m resting mainly. Trying different foods. Watching tv and messaging people. Nothing too strenuous.
Being looked after by my husband. I’m hard work apparently as he’s already shattered.
I am writing this from the day surgery unit in Peterborough City Hospital.
I’m gowned up, all ready to go. Read the patient information, done a urine sample, obs done, laughed with the surgeons assistant and made jokes with the anaesthetist. This is how I roll.
I’m nervous for the surgery but positive and ready to get Bile (that’s my gall bladders name) out. I have things to do this year and I don’t want any more disruption!
Sitting here surrounded by mostly women. Three are having the same surgery as me – one sounds like she’s a heavy drinker. I feel grateful that’s not me, it sounds complicated.
I’ve been dieting for the last six weeks in preparation for this day. It’s been good – felt healthier and sleeping better. The last 10 days have been harder as I’ve been on a liver shrinkage diet. It’s been 800 calories a day and a combination of slim fast shakes and vegetables. It was rough but also manageable. I’m glad to see the back of it.
I feel like this medical issue has been something I’ve needed to happen to me. To help me take action and look after myself better. I have known that I needed to eat better for a while but not really had the motivation. This is it.
I must look after myself better. I have children to raise, books to provide, family to love, friends to see, business ideas to get off the ground. So much I want to do in this wonderful rich life.
This is a bit deep for a Thursday morning but I guess emergency surgery does that to you.
As I sit here I realise how positive I’ve become recently. Decembers burn out ensured that! Everything happens for a reason.
I’m so sure of myself and my place in this world. I’m grateful for all of that. Still so much to learn and do. But so much hope and wonder for the future too.
I’m now 2 weeks post diagnosis and it’s been another tough week. The good, the bad and the ugly are below.
The good 👍🏻 Healthy eating is going well – I’m enjoying it. See brekfast below. It’s been much easier than I expected. I’ve also cut out alcohol, caffeine and fizzy drinks. 👍🏻 I’m on a hydration challenge with Tropic skincare with Jo Dawkins which means I’m drinking far more water. Also easier than expected. 👍🏻 I’m back at work and enjoying it. Everyone has been super supportive and I’m very lucky to work there. 👍🏻 I’m mostly remaining positive. I have some bad days but mostly I’m taking action and doing my best to remain upbeat. My family and friends have all been awesome. 👍🏻 I have a date for surgery – 27 February – and that helps.
The bad ❌ I react to some foods and I don’t know what they are until I eat them. This is ongoing. ❌ I have really low days when I am fed up of it all. The daily migraines are getting to me. I’m trying to find ways of dealing with them but I keep missing stuff I want to do and it’s hard to see the bigger picture sometimes. I’m a work in progress. ❌ I feel really guilty about the abuse I’ve done to my body. ❌ I’m worried about post surgery. How long will recovery take? Will it hurt? Will everything go well?
The Ugly 😭 Daily migraines. They are getting milder but if they could just f**^ off that would be much better.
The truth 🙌 I have so much respect for anyone living wiht a chronic condition right now. You are my heroes. I’m fed up after 2 weeks. If you have any advice or wisdom do let me know.
Unpopular opinion post coming up! Look away if you’re of a nervous disposition!
I struggle with Christmas Day. Always have.
In the past I’ve coped in various ways but as I’ve had children with their own expectations, it’s become harder.
And I know I’m not the only one.
Jess struggles too and it’s makes me sad to see this.
I hope one year to find a different way so we can all enjoy the day but for now I’m glad it’s over.
Next year when the dust has settled, I’m going to find out what my family wants from Christmas and we’re going to see if we can achieve it in 2025.
Even if we start by changing one thing, we will be closer.
We’ve all acknowledged we’ve had a lovely Christmas Eve and Boxing Day so I’m going to collate those memories into something for next year.
Every year I write down the things I’m grateful for to help me move on. So here we are…
This year I’m grateful for ❤️ Speaking to my brother in Italy and our family in Cheshire 💚 Laying a table fit for a feast ❤️ The beautiful thoughtful presents we were gifted 💚 Having a garden to escape to and a cat to play with and snuggle ❤️ Being married to a man who feels the same but manages to cook up a storm anyway and feed us all 💚 Being able to sit down at the end of the day and play a board game (thanks Taz Walsh) with 3/4 family members.
❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏 And my favourite one is being with family who despite our own chaos always come and share a few hours with us. Thanks Mum and Alan.
This week – amongst all the chaos – I received my referral form for adhd. Yes I cried when I got that too!
As I was reading through it, I realised I have been masking most of my life. At school to fit in. At work to fit in.
I’ve never considered myself as masking but now it’s so obvious. It’s so exhausting! It’s being someone else as that’s who I think I need to be to fit in. And yet I know bits of me have always shone through.
The part of me who always talks to strangers.
The part of me who cares and gives to all.
The part of me who is completely disorganised and has lots of strategies to ensure I don’t forget anything.
The part of me who is impulsive.
The part of me who craves adventure.
The part of me who doesn’t stop talking.
I won’t go on!
And now I’m worried. My poor over thinking mind is off again.
I’m worried about what that means for when I return to work as I’m not able to mask at the moment.
Will I be accepted as I am? The real me?
I’ve heard this week that my team are missing me. But which version are they missing? The masked me? Or the unmasked me? She was a bit too much for my liking!
When it first started happening at work – I was horrified. Where was my mask? Why had it slipped? I now know why, bloody menopause.
But I was loving my passion, my creativeness, my new ideas, my new connections and so much more. Not so keen on swearing outbursts and aggression!
So this is me. I’m unmasked.
Where do I go from here? I’m not actually sure. But I’ve always tried to be authentic in my life and this is me.
So hello unmasked Marianne, you’ve got this girl. We’re going to make this as easy as we can for each other but we need to see some changes to support you.
I lost myself and behaved in an inappropriate way. It wasn’t the first time. And it’s been getting worse.
It had been building up and I had recognised the signs but I just thought I would carry on as had too much to do.
I’m facing up to a few things today and taking some time to rest at home.
This sounds easy doesn’t it. But in all honesty I find it really hard to rest. Relax. Stop. My brain is constantly working. Over thinking. So rest for me is hard work. I think I may have been avoiding it for this reason.
So first I have to remember how to rest. And then I need to think about getting better. What do I need? Another hard task.
I don’t know if this is a bad week and I just need to rest or if my old friend depression has returned.
This week my GP told me I was in the menopause – is that the right phrase?!
Have I got it? Or is it happening to me? Anyway you get the picture.
My symptoms and blood results are indicative that I’m menopausal.
Not perimenopause but bang smack in the middle of the menopause.
I was hoping I was near the end but no such luck! Hormone levels are low but not that low. And surprisingly – or not now I’ve looked into it – is that I may have been going through the menopause for a couple of years.
Due to my hysterectomy in 2016, I have been depleted of prostegen for the past 8 years. That has led to some side effects I wasn’t aware of.
My GP apologised to me this week. Said I should have received better after care in 2016 and should at least have started the HRT discussion.
I’ve had a few down days about this news – over thinking it all – was it my fault? No. Should I have investigated further? Maybe. Asked more questions? Yes
But I had just started a new job, had two young children and post natal depression. Plus I was recovering from a major emergency operation. I’m being kind to myself when I say I did my best I could. I forgive myself.
I don’t even blame the professionals. Times have changed. Menopause is more talked about now than 8 years ago. HRT is not a dirty word. It’s now recommended and discussed more openly.
I am on HRT and I’ll discuss that more in another post but for now I’ll just say HELLO MENOPAUSE LETS DO THIS!!!
But first rest.
An insight into my world – adhd woman, SEN children, menopause and more!
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