Who am I? 

This is me. A photo taken by my husband on Friday in Birmingham. Look at me. I am relaxed. I am warm. I am happy. I look younger than my 38 years. 44 people on Facebook like this photo. More importantly I like this photo. Best of all, I see me. Me before the claws of depression got me. Carefree me enjoying life as I experienced it. 

What a relief!! I’m still in there. 

Recently life has been hard again. Back on my drugs which has stabilised my moods but I’ve been anxious about every bit of my life – my work, my marriage, my health, my daughters health, choice of school, my friends health. The list goes on. A close friend’s husband died. Suddenly. That woke me up a bit – what was I doing? Who was I? Where had I gone? 

I’ve been searching for the last few weeks. Been doing things to wake me up. Wrote my birth story, booked myself a massage, booked an adult’s weekend away, went to the cinema and went to bed earlier. It’s all about me. And frankly that’s fine. It’s what I need to be a good person. A good mother. A good wife. A good daughter. 

This photo was taken at the beginning of a couple of days away (from daily life) with just my husband. In Birmingham. The place I used to study and live in. The place where I met my husband. 

We spent the time together doing something usual – talking and listening to each other. Remniscing about old times. Being grateful for the current. Planning for the future. 

We enjoyed each other’s company and did things for us – browsing the Christmas market, drinking mulled wine at lunchtime, eating fine foods in fine restaurants, skulking in book shops, staring out of windows, scaring ourselves (well just me) on the big wheel, went to the cinema, drank cocktails, sat and did nothing. It was nothing short of marvellous. And well overdue. 

If you’re reading this thinking ‘lucky bugger’ you’re right I am. Lucky to have a loving supportive mum (and partner) who enabled it to happen. Lucky to still be with my love of 18 years. Lucky to be able to smile and be happy. Lucky to find out who I am. 

I’m here. Awake and ready to beat the battle of depression once more. 

Good luck to anyone else in this position. You can do it. I believe in you. Just a few things: 

  1. Get help and support 
  2. Make time for yourself 
  3. Don’t stop talking and listening 
  4. Connect with things/people you love. 
  5. Don’t give up.