A problem shared…

…is a problem halved. 

That certainly seems to be the case for me. Since opening up 2 weeks ago, I have been feeling much better. 

I’ve been talking about my feelings, my worries, my tiredness. I’ve been to the doctor. I’ve taken a blood test. I’ve read an anxiety booklet from Mind. I’m checking in on my mood every day with a new app. I’m going to bed earlier. I’ve deleted the news app from my phone. I’m calling me time, renewal time. I like that – it feels less selfish and vital to my wellbeing. You can often find me at the end of the garden, just breathing. 

It’s not all plain sailing – weekends are still low points for me. I don’t really know why and it’s something I want to explore more with my CBT. I feel very anxious at weekends and then guilty as I want to be relaxed happy mummy for my family. Being at home makes me anxious. Surrounded by a messy house, a messy garden and a long list of chores. I cringe when I tell my kids I’m too busy to play with them. I don’t tell them this in the week when I happily play along. 

I think it’s about acceptance. 

Acceptance is key to my happiness. And I’m looking into ways to teach myself to accept my hand in life. Not necessarily to be ridiculously happy every day but just to accept life is what it is rather than stressing what it isn’t. This will be a long term project I think. 

I went to a big event at work last week with hundreds of people I’ve never met before. I was anxious before it but instead of worrying about it, I shared my thoughts with Facebook. I got some lovely positive messages back including one that said ‘be yourself’. So I went and was myself – friendly, inquisitive and creative – and I had a ball! I came home buzzing, happy to put the kids to bed and do the chores. I wish I could have canned that feeling it was so good. 

Currently sat in the garden watching my eldest play in the paddling pool. In her dress. At 8.30pm. It’s how we roll when it’s 32c inside and I know she won’t sleep until 10 anyway. No anxiety whilst I watch her or indeed write this, as I feel confident in my parenting. Now I’ve got to apply this to the 1000 times I feel inadequate…

No more doing this though 

I will remember that the hardest part of getting better is asking for help and I’ve done that. 

Plain sailing from here on in. Please. 

Passing me by 

Sitting on a train looking out the window and watching the world passing me by. I feel like it’s a good way to describe how I’m feeling at the moment. 

I’ve been quiet recently. On Facebook. On this blog. Avoiding social situations with more than one person. Avoiding family days out. In other people’s worlds this may be good news. In mine, it means the opposite. I’m struggling. 

Depression has returned to my world. Or anxiety has. Or a mixture of both maybe. My mental health is not healthy. It needs attention. 

I’ve been struggling since March. Since I hurt my back and have been unable to exercise. No happy endorphins running around anymore. 

It’s not just that. There’s been some other issues too. Personal issues. Child behaviour related issues. Child health issues. Family health issues. 

A combination of a lot of things.

And what does this look like? 

Well I’m dreading weekends again. Worrying about everything. Overthinking everything else. Irritable. Tired all the time. Can’t look forward to anything. Feeling useless. Eating badly. Etc etc. 

And guess who I’ve told? About two people maybe. Another sign I’m struggling. So here I am. Making myself visible again. Pulling myself out of the dark pit hand by hand. 

Last Friday, I pulled myself together to pick up the phone and ask for help. I spoke to a lovely lady who I opened up to about my struggles. Why was I suffering with PND still when my baby was almost two? When does it just become depression? Will it ever go? 

I cried. I cried a lot. I was exhausted afterwards. But I felt a relief. A relief to be opening up again. To be asking for help. I’m hoping to start CBT shortly. To help me combat my anxious thoughts. To help create a brighter better future for me and my family. 

Wish me luck. I’m going to need it.  Again.