When I was at school, my mum worked a lot of hours so I spent a lot of time with my dad whose idea of childcare was putting on a horror film. Needless to say I now hate horror films although I never watch any as just the trailers spook me out!
However, I do remember a film called The Fog. When the fog descended upon a town, strange things started happening.
I often think of my depression is like a fog. Or a large shadow. Sometimes the fog is right over me and sometimes it’s a long way away. It’s never completely gone from my sight though as I can see it from the corner of my eye.
Sometimes I’m running away from it and sometimes I’m fighting my way through it. Sometimes the sun shines through and sometimes it’s very thick and dark. Sometimes I’m with friends in the fog and sometimes I’m alone. It’s noisy and silent all at once.
It’s a good analogy for me as I like to visualise my fears. And when I see it getting closer, I start running.
And in real life, I’ve found that running is good for me too. It gives me time to myself, to lose myself in what my body can or can’t do, and another focus. A stronger focus. One which I can control and get better at. I never thought I would say this – asthmatic and big boobed – but I love running.
I know the fog will only lift when I get better. I’m working towards that at the moment. With a mixture of drugs, talking therapy and exercise, I should get there soon. But for now, I’ll keep on running.