I’m feeling overwhelmed with life at the moment. Losing a parent feels too much. Carrying on with ‘normal’ life feels too much. Parenting is too much. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m exhausted. I’m putting on a brave face.
This feels like depression. But it’s grief. But what is grief?
Grief is having an okay day and then bursting into tears in the post office.
Grief is the non stop flow of tears for hours.
Grief takes me to the bottom of the garden to find solace and to talk to my dad.
Grief finds me listening to dads last message on voicemail over and over again.
Grief makes me feel numb.
Grief forgets hes not around anymore. Until I reach for the telephone on a Sunday night and remember he can’t answer.
Grief wakes me in the night with a memory so clear I don’t want to sleep again in case I lose it.
Grief makes me wonder how I will get over this. How everyone expects me to be ‘moving on’ now that the funeral has happened.
Grief makes me want to stand at a grave side and lay a Father’s Day card. But there is no grave which I find very hard.
Grief is rage. A sudden intense rage that fills me up and explodes at a great velocity. Angry that life is unfair. Angry that I wasn’t ready for this. Angry I don’t get to say goodbye.
Grief is all this and more. Mostly things I can’t find an explanation for. 8 weeks on and I’m finding life very raw and difficult.
Somebody told me recently they were sorry I was suffering with grief but this is the price we pay for loving someone so deeply. This comforted me and I imagine one day I will feel richer because of it rather than another day red eyed and sad.