A letter to my husband 

Dear P, 

Before we became mummy and daddy, we were simply ‘him’ and ‘her’ or ‘the Ryan’s’. We spent a lot of time together, we were interested in each other’s days and took the time to listen. We ate out in restaurants, went to the cinema and watched football together. We spent lazy Sundays at the pub, enjoyed our lie-ins and visited friends spread out over the country. We were together together for 12 years before we had children. I thought the transition to mummy and daddy would be easy. 

Never have I been more wrong. In the 48 hours of labour, our whole world turned upside down. Our daughter was born with a undiagnosed medical condition which brought about so many changes to all our lives. My dream of breastfeeding was replaced by tube feeding. My hope of baby wearing was replaced by adapted prams and car seats. My longing to hold my baby in my arms was put on hold for the first few months. I found it hard to bond with her and fought hard to stay in control of my feelings. 

Unfortunately I lost the battle and was diagnosed with post natal depression a few weeks later. I felt so much shame. How could I feel so low when I had been blessed with such a bright, determined little thing who needed me so much? I withdrew into myself and felt so much guilt for not carrying a healthy baby. I must have done something to her. 

You were my rock. My absolute rock. You wavered in the storm but held firm. You organised the visits for the nurses looking after our daughter, phoned relatives and kept the housework going. You had to watch the woman you love suffer and change beyond recognition. 

Thankfully, after a year of treatment for both me and our daughter, I recovered and we set about rebuilding our relationship. Then 4 years later, with the birth of our son with no medical complications, the post natal depression hit me again. This time I felt very anxious and angry. These are feelings I know you have struggled with as I only show them to the people I am closest to – you and my mum. For some reason, ones which we are currently investigating through counselling, I tried to push you away. Thankfully you resisted. 

We are now addressing our relationship and giving it the tlc it deserves. We have a lot of work to do – me more so. Some days I miss being me. Other days I miss being just with you. Not mummy. Just maz. Your wife. 

  
Ten years ago on the sunny island of Cyprus amongst our friends and family, we committed ourselves to each other. That love still grows inside of me. It’s just sometimes hidden under a dark shadow that I am fighting. Please know that you mean the world to me and I will continue to fight it. And someday soon your wife will return to you. 

Thank you for all your support and love through my illness. 

Maz x 

Note to readers: my husband is not keen on PDAs (public displays of affection) so he probably won’t read this. It’s really therapeutic for me to write it though! 

One thought on “A letter to my husband ”

  1. You should print a copy for him and leave it where he will find it Maz. He may not like doing that kind of thing in public but it’s always nice to hear how important you are to one another x

    Like

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